


don't go wasting your emotion

by ItsSnixx



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Friends to Lovers, Love Confessions, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Mutual Pining, bad communication skills, like really bad it's frustrating I'm sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-14 18:15:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29300250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ItsSnixx/pseuds/ItsSnixx
Summary: ''What's up with Moony, anyways?'' Sirius asked out of nowhere.''What?'' James asked.''He's different.''''Different how?''''I don't know, he's different. Hotter.'' He said surprising himself with the word he chose to describe his friend.-Sirius figures out he likes Remus after all those years and starts planning how to confess his feelings.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 5
Kudos: 55





	1. Chapter One

It started in their sixth year.

On a Friday afternoon the four members of the Marauders found each other in the train compartment. Soon they proceeded to sit and tell each other about their summer, of course they exchanged letters through it but that didn't compare to being together face to face. James was raving about this new broomstick model when he suddenly stopped and looked at Sirius, who was unusually quiet.

''You okay, Pads?'' He asked, getting his friend out of his trance. The black haired boy shook his head a little and then nodded. ''Seriously?''

''I’m always Sirius'' He answered sarcastically and Remus, who was sitting in front of him, laughed. Padfoot couldn't stop staring at him, he seemed different than last year, he was a little taller and had gained a little bit of muscle, his factions were sharper and he was sporting a scar than went from his nose to his cheek, Sirius frowned at that and the other boy looked up from the book he was reading. When he did, the sun illuminated his face, and the black haired boy wondered how the hell he didn’t notice those beautiful green eyes for so many years.

James was still talking about broomsticks and sports with Peter, occasionally glancing at the other two persons in the compartment who were too concentrated in their own thoughts. The rest of the way was quiet, eventually everyone fell asleep.

When they arrived to the station, they were awoken by the sound of the compartment's door opening, showing Lily Evans leaning on the door frame.

''How was your summer, Lily?'' James asked, quickly straightening up in his seat and fixing his messy bed head, she just ignored him.

''Hi, Remus.'' She said in a soft voice, and the boy stood up to give her a hug, then both of them walked together out of the train. The other three boys took their time to stir before getting out.

* * *

Once they arrived to the room they were assigned to, they threw their suitcases on their beds and noticed Remus' suitcase was there but he wasn't. The room was like any other one they had over the past five years, but this one was strategically better to sneak out at any time. Peter went into the bathroom and James sat in Sirius's bed as he helped him unpack his things -which meant throwing a few things out of it and then closing it again- as they talked.

''Since when do Lily and Remus talk and hug each other?'' James asked grabbing a pack of cigarettes.

''I think they study together and probably talk shit about us.'' He said throwing half of the stuff out of his suitcase in search of a lighter. ''What's up with Moony, anyways?'' Sirius asked out of nowhere.

''What?'' James asked as he lifted a shirt from the floor, uncovering a flowery zippo lighter and handing it to his friend.

''He's different.''

''Different how?''

''I don't know, he's different. Hotter.'' He said surprising himself with the word he chose to describe his friend.

''He looks just like he did last year, maybe a little taller.'' His friend pointed out. ''Lily mentioned last year that almost all of her friends found Moony attractive, she said that girls like that he’s really smart and all. It's a shame he'd never look twice at any of them.''

''I was going to say you have an excellent memory for remembering something she said last year but then I remembered the number of times Evans talked to you can be counted with the fingers of your hands.'' Sirius finished with a mischievous smile.

''Fuck off.'' The other boy said throwing a pillow at him. ''Have you told Remus about you summers journey of self-discovery?'' He asked using a mocking tone. The black haired boy threw the pillow back at him.

''Not yet.'' He answered. ''But I will, soon.'' He answered as he picked up everything he previously threw on the floor and tried to force ir back into the suitcase.

A few minutes later Remus entered the room and sat on the bed nearest to the window, the one next to the bed Sirius and James were on.

''Finally.'' The boy with glasses said. ''We were starting to think you found new roommates and forgot about us.''

''Never.'' Remus said laughing. ''Lily just wanted to talk.'' He explained.

''I hope you know I'm going to use yor new friendship with Lily to my advantage.'' James said. ''I think this year I'm going to need a redheaded tutor for Charms.''

''You're great in Charms.'' Remus pointed out.

''Yes, but she doesn't know that.'' He said as if it were obvious. ''Besides I don't want to make a total fool of myself, I wouldn't ask her to help me with a subject I have absolutely no clue about.'' He explained. ''Anyways, lads, wanna go flying in the pitch for a while? I need to train a bit.’’

''M' tired, Prongs.'' Sirius said letting himself fall onto the mattress. James threw a pillow at his face again and stood up, Remus stood up to and sat next to his friend's body on the bed.

''Poor Pads is tired?'' He asked mocking him as he looked down at his face.

''That doesn't look good.'' He pointed at the scar on his face.

''I know, kiss it better?'' Remus said jokingly but still leaned forward with a smile. Sirius quickly leaned too and licked his cheek before he could open his eyes. The taller boy just laughed and wiped his face with the sleeve of his shirt. When the grey eyed boy realized he was staring for too long he did the first thing he could think of, he quickly wrapped his arms around his friend and forced him to lay down next to him, gently squeezing him. Thankfully that wouldn't be too weird considering they’re always affectionate with each other, Sirius mentally cursed himself for suddenly being so self-conscious around him.

''We'll take care of you while you're here.'' The shorter boy said reassuringly.

''I know.'' The green eyed boy answered, relaxing into the embrace.

''Hey lovebirds, I love you both but I think I'll head to the Common Room and wait until Lily passes by.'' James said to them while he was approaching to the door. ''That sounded less creepy in my head.'' He mentally cursed himself. ''Anyways, tomorrow night we'll sneak out to go by the lake and get smashed like always, I won't take a 'no' for answer'' He was about to leave the room when a voice stopped him.

''Wait, Prongs!'' Remus talked, untangling himself from Sirius' arms. ''Tomorrow I can't-''

''But it’s our tradition! You can’t miss it. '' James said looking disappointed.

''I’m sorry, I made plans and I can’t cancel them'' The brown haired boy replied.

''Okay, whatever''. He said with a sigh and walked out of the room. In that moment Peter came out of the bathroom looking a little lost.

''If you guys are talking about tomorrow night, I've been saving a firewhiskey to share it with you guys.'' The boy smiled as he walked to the door and went through it.

''Prongs was just looking forward to our little tradition.'' Sirius said to Remus while still holding him. ''What do you have to do, anyways?''

''Nothing. I j-just promised to Lily I would meet her and help her with something.'' He answered looking away.

''Okay, I'm not mad and I’m sure Prongs Isn’t either.'' He said kissing his cheek. ''Now, I really like cuddling with you but I think I’m gonna head to the Common Room to watch James making a fool out of himself in front of Evans.'' Sirius said while he sat up on the bed, his friend just nodded and followed him when he stood up and walked through the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: I wrote this in 2015 and never finished it and now that I'm reading All The Young Dudes I regressed back into my 16 year old self and decided to rewrite it because I just love wolfstar so much  
> Also feel free to point out any grammar mistakes, english is not my first language and I'm out of practice


	2. Chapter Two

On the following Saturday night, after the dinner in the Great Hall ended, everyone returned to their own dormitories. Three quarters of the Marauders were lying on the floor of their room, planning their escape.

''It's not so different from what we used to do last year to sneak out.'' Peter pointed out. In that moment Remus opened the bathroom door, coming out of it, his hair was perfect and the amount of cologne he was wearing could be smelled from yards away. The green eyed boy was very confused when he saw his friends were sitting around a bunch of stuff -lighters, cigarettes, cards and quills- strategically placed on the floor to create a map of their own dormitory and their route to sneak out to go to the lake. 

''You know we created a map for that, right?'' Remus asked them as he walked across the room, trying not to step on any of them.

''We know,'' Sirius told him, he was lying on his belly with said map on his hand. ''But this is fun.'' He finished and the werewolf rolled his eyes.

''Besides we needed to entertain ourselves with something until we can actually sneak out.'' James explained to him. ''Why did you get so pretty, Lupin? I though you were only meeting Lily.'' He asked, and his friend tensed. ''You're not trying to steal my girl from me, are you?''

''She'd have to actually acknowledge you existence to be your girl.'' Sirius said with a grin. ''And I don't think he'd be interested anyways.'' The green eyed boy just nervously walked towards his bed and sat on it, picking up a book he previously left on it and continued reading it.

''Hey Moony,'' James called him. ''When is Lily coming here? Maybe I can wait until she gets here to say hi.''

''No!'' He exclaimed a little too harshly. ''I don't know when she'll be here, and she's probably going to be late. You guys should go out and have fun.'' He said quickly, earning strange looks from his friends, but no one said anything about it. After an hour or so the three boys decided it was time to go. They asked Remus one last time if he wanted to go with them, and told him he could bring Lily too, but he declined politely. The boys grabbed the map, the bottle of firewhiskey and their broomsticks -just in case they felt like flying-, and got under the invisibility cloak, they closed the door behind them when they left the room. Leaving Remus alone.

* * *

They where lying on the grass near the lake, the bottle already half empty. The autumn night was colder than they had expected and they regretted not bringing any coats. Peter was leaning on a tree, drunk and humming happily to himself. Sirius was lying down on the grass exhaling smoke, relaxed, he held the cigarette with one hand and used the other to grasp little bits of grass and pluck them out, breaking them between his fingers. James was the only one who wasn't on the ground, floating on his broomstick looking down at his friends.

''We should've brought the shot glasses so we could play drinking games.'' Peter commented, they'd been just sitting in silence for almost half and hour.

''The moon.'' Sirius said softly, now concentrated in blowing circles of smoke.

''What about the moon?'' James asked him, convinced that his friend couldn't be that drunk to start talking nonsense.

''It reminds me of Moony.'' He said, stirring to grab the bottle and take another sip. ''I just wish he was here.'' Remus was usually the one who drank the most out of the four of them, but he could hold his drink very well and never got any hangovers. When he was drunk enough though he could be convinced by Sirius to play with his hair which made the black haired boy really happy.

''We should do something.'' James suggested. ''We should check on him and Lily on the window, maybe they're talking about her crush on me.'' And then proceeded to hand his friends their broomsticks. The other two agreed, they had nothing better to do. Soon the three friends were flying on their broomsticks above the ground, moving towards the castle and roaming through the windows they assumed were the ones near their dormitory until James yelled.

''Found it!'' He froze when he looked at the window. ''Lily's not in there, Moony got himself a boyfriend!'' He exclaimed, amused. Sirius frowned and quickly bumped James out of the way to see through the window himself. Indeed, Remus was lying on his bed shirtless with his eyes closed, and there was another bloke he could not recognize hovering above him, pressing kisses down his chest and moving downwards while Remus pressed a steady hand on the back of his neck, guiding him.

The boy's bed was the one closest to the window, so they could see them clearly. Suddenly Remus opened his eyes and saw the silhouettes outside the window with horror, he quickly sat up and in a panic shoved his shirtless partner off the bed as he breathed heavily and shut his eyes tight in embarrasement. James and Peter waited until they were out of sight to burst into laughter, Sirius did not laugh.

‘’You okay, mate?’’ James noticed and asked, frowning.

‘’Yeah, m’fine’’ The grey eyed boy forced a chuckle before turning around in his broom and speeding through the air in the opposite direction to clear his head.

* * *

When they returned to their room after a few more hours of flying and chatting, the lights were off and Remus appeared to be sleeping, but he was probably pretending because he was still startled and didn't want to talk about it. They left the half full bottle inside a trunk and everyone went to sleep, they were tired after all. Except for Sirius, who waited until he heard Peter snoring and got up to sit on Remus's bed, he didn't mind if James heard him.

''I know you're awake.'' The black haired boy whispered to his friend, making the other boy slowly open his green eyes. Sirius made himself comfortable and leaned on his side, resting his head on one hand as his long hair fell over his face. That's when the taller boy realized his friend was only wearing a pair of red boxers. ''Why didn't you tell me?'' Sirius asked, still a little annoyed and knowing his friend wouldn't be the one to adress the elephant in the room. 

''About what?'' The werewolf whispered.

''About the bloke you were snogging the life out of earlier.'' He said frowning, and he felt how his friend shivered a little when he started tracing patterns on his bare chest with his long fingers.

''I don't see why I should have.'' The boy shrugged, trying to sound casual.

''Maybe because be we tell each other everything?''

''You certainly don't tell me in detail about every girl you shag and I'm kind of greateful for that. This wasn't any different.'' He simply explained, surprising his friend.

''I just didn't think you'd-'' He was cut off by Remus.

''You really thought I was that much of a prude?'' He asked raising his eyebrows, irritated.

''I just- You never told me anyhing!'' Sirius said exasperated. ''Have you-?'' He asked as his hand froze and abruptly stopped caressing his friend's chest.

''No, I was hoping this guy would want to, but he wasn't really keen on shagging after I pushed him off the bed.'' He explained. ''I've done stuff though.'' Remus said awkwardly and looking away. Sirius really wanted to ask him what 'stuff' meant even though he knew perfectly, but he decided he already embarrassed his friend enough for one night. ''Ugh, I'm tired of being a bloody virgin.'' He let out a sigh, and the other boy straightened up.

''There's nothing wrong with being a bloody virgin.'' Sirius pointed out. ‘’James is too, everyone goes at their own pace. Besides I’m sure it’s harder for you since there’s not many out queer people that we know of at Hogwarts.''

‘’I just wanted to do it once and for all and see what everyone’s talking about’’ He sighed. 

''I’ve done it, you know.'' Sirius said out of the blue, and the werewolf looked confused.

''Had sex? Yeah mate, I know, I caught you in the act quite a few times, if you don’t remember. I certainly can't forget.’’

''No- I mean yes.'' He paused and rethinked the sentence again in his head. ''I shagged boys, over the summer.'' He explained and his friend let out a little gasp

''Really?’’ Remus was shocked and felt uneasy but tried to hide it and mantain his composure ‘’How was it?’’

''Ten out of ten, cocks are pretty great.'' The black haired boy said nodding to himself and the boy beside him let out a laugh.

''Yep. So are you-?''

''Let's just say I like fit people. I'm still very fond of women aside from my newfound love for the male anatomy.'' He said simply as he snuggled closer to his friend, placing an arm over his chest, he was happy and relieved to finally tell his best friend. ''Ugh, you smell like him.'' Sirius frowned and Remus chuckled.

''He told me my cologne couldn't hide the smell of cigarettes and dog. I blame you.''

''Missed you, Moony.'' He said holding the other boy tight and hiding his face on the crook of Remus' neck. 

''Me too, Black.''

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked this one! Comments are always appreciated


	3. Chapter Three

Two week later Sirius burst into their room, threw himself on his bed and sighed. James, who was reading the newspaper, didn't even flinch, and neither did Peter, who was lying on the floor, making a quill levitate with his wand. So Sirius sighed louder.

"Okay, what?" It was James' turn to sigh as he shut close the newspaper and glared at his friend.

"Today we were by the lake," He didn't even need to say who he was talking about, they already fucking knew. "he was reading some Potions paper and I was getting sleepy so I put my head on his lap and he stroked my hair until I fell asleep." He finished with another sigh. "That's cute, isn’t it? Has to mean something.’’

"It means poor Remus is too good and polite for his own good." Peter said, and the quill fell on his face at the distraction, startling him.

"So what, do you like him or something? You've been making a big deal out of things like that for weeks now." James looked at him raising his eyebrows.

"I think so. I don't know, I mean the circle of people you are friends with and the circle of people you find hot enough to shag should never get mixed up." He looked genuinely confused so James moved to plop down on the bed beside him.

"Well, in my experience, when you like hanging out with someone but you also want to shag their brains out, it means you like them." James talked as if he was explaining the colors of the rainbow to a child.

"I need more time. Maybe I can ask him to help me with my homework or be my tutor." The grey eyed boy suggested.

"I think I once saw a muggle porn movie with that plot." Peter said, and Sirius snorted, contemplating the idea.

"He's Moony, he helps all of us every year with schoolwork." James seemed annoyed. "Besides you two literally sleep in the same room, sometimes you even share a bed. You don't need an excuse to spend more time with him."

"I'm sorry, Prongs, for a moment I thought I was the one with a crush on Moony instead of you." Sirius snapped at his friend.

"I think I need to go to the common room for some... things." Peter got up awkwardly and left the room, leaving them alone as he felt an argument was coming.

"You clearly have a problem with the idea of me liking Remus." Sirius went straight to the point. "I want you to be honest with me, mate, you know I won't judge."

"For fuck's sake, I don't like him like that." James yelled. "It's just that the idea of two of my best mates fooling around doesn't make me particularly happy."

"Why's that?" He frowned and straightened on the bed.

"Don't get me wrong, Padfoot, you're great, it's just that-" He was interrupted.

"I know I’m not the best Moony could get." He said with a hurt expression and talked again before the other boy could say anything. "I'm well aware of that, but you of all people should know that I would never hurt him, ever."

"You're never serious about any of the people you date or hook up with." James started, carefully crafting his next sentence. "And I don't want to have to choose sides if something goes wrong. Which is pretty possible all things considered." He finished and they stayed silent for a while.

"Moony's my best friend, but it's different than you and Peter." He talked in a soft tone. "I don't know what's gotten into me this year, maybe it is because I realized I like blokes too. When I saw him the other day with that guy I just got so angry and after thinking about it I can’t come up with another explanation other than the fact that I was jealous.’’ He paused for a moment. ‘’I just know now that those feelings aren’t just friendship, and that I’m allowed to feel them.’’

"Okay." James nodded, taking in all of the information. "If you're honest about this, and you are aware that I’ll _have_ to punch you in face if you ever hurt him, then I’m okay with it. I’ll even help you woo him." They smiled at each other.

"Uhm, I don’t know if you’re the best qualified person to give me romantic avdice, Prongs. I don’t have six years to spare to pine for him and try to seduce him with bad pick up lines." The shorter boy laughed and James just glared at him, knowing deep down that it was true. "Maybe we could ask Lily for advice, you know, she probably can help a lot."

"I like the way you think, mate." James smiled.

* * *

"Lily!" James shouted, running through the halls, bumping into the other students that got in his way. "Evans stop right there!" He yelled and the redhead finally stopped walking and turned around with annoyance all over her face to see the boy panting beside her.

"This better be important, Potter." She said sharply.

"Oh, it is." He managed to say. "Just let m- let me catch my breath." The boy was surprised, being so good at quidditch you'd think he could manage to chase someone through the halls easily. "Okay, we need to talk about Remus."

"What about him?" She frowned. "Is he in trouble?"

"None of that." He shushed her. "You know that thing that's been going on for years with Sirius, they act like a married couple and we all just tiptoe around the subject and don’t mention it?" She nodded carefully. "Well good news, Padfoot finally got his head out of his arse and catched up on the fact that he likes him and we were wondering if-"

"No." She cut him off.

"But I didn't finish-''

"Not gonna happen." She shook her head. "I'm not helping him get with Remus, he’s too late. You can't even begin to understand the effort it took me to make him move on and stop obsessing over the tiny possibility that Sirius might like him back one day."

"You think I don't know? I've been telling him to stop waiting for Sirius for years."

"Well you didn't do a good job!" She snapped. "It’s thanks to me he started seeing other blokes."

"Sorry, can I just say we sound like we're having a fight about our child? You're going to be a great mother, Lily." James said with a dreamy sigh.

"Goodbye, Potter." She started walking away but the boy was quicker and ran to stand in front of her, blocking the way.

"I was hesitant about it too, but think about it: who's the first person who would do anything to fix things if something happened to Remus?" She didn't answer because she didn't wanted to admit he was right. "I know Sirius isn't prince charming but he would punch himself in the face before hurting him."

"I guess those aren't bad arguments." She admitted, she wanted his friend to be happy and she knew this was everything he’d been wanting for a long time.

"Besides nothing will change except maybe I'll open the door one day and they're going to be naked, and I’ll be traumatized. But everyone wins except for me and Peter, so you should be happy with it."

''Pretty much.'' She nodded to herself contemplating it. ''So what do I do? I don't understand how I fit into this, do you have a plan or something?''

''Not yet.'' James told her. ''I have no clue what to do, actually. Maybe you could tell Remus good things about Sirius, like a wingman. That usually works.''

''It would be just weird, I'm supposed to despise you both.''

''You don't?'' The boy asked with a smug smile.

''Don't push it.'' The redhead warned him. ''I think the first thing I have to do is have a little chat with Sirius. I'm still not one hundred percent on board with this.''

''You want to scare him?'' James asked.

''Just a little.'' She said as she started walking down the hall, at a pace that the boy could follow easily.

''Brilliant.'' He smiled.

* * *

‘’Can you lend me a fag?’’ Remus asked, looking as his friend devoured a chocolate bar beside him. They were walking near the lake, it was a windy day.

‘’Sure, here grab one’’ Sirius handed him a pack of cigarettes he took out of his pocket and watched mesmerized as his friend grabbed one with his big hands and his lips curled around the small cilinder while he searched for a lighter. Cigarette lit in hand, he turned to look at him once again, or more specifically, at the chocolate in his hand.

''Give me a bite of that.'' The taller boy leaned and opened his mouth, and Sirius couldn't stop staring at his lips, wanting to know what those would taste like. ''C'mon.'' The green eyed boy was looking at him, expectant.

''What are the magic words?'' The shorter boy asked, holding the chocolate away from his friend.

''Feed me, you wanker.'' Remus grabbed it forcefully from his hand and took a bite. Sirius laughed and let his friend finish the chocolate. They continued walking in silence as the taller boy ate, silence wasn't uncomfortable between them.

Sirius's hands were getting cold, and he was sure his friends's were too, so he started bumping their free hands together, until the taller boy suddenly grabbed his’ and intertwined their fingers. They were just doing it because it was cold, it was a silent mutual agreement, both of them were looking straigh ahead while they walked, pretending it wasn't happening.

''There you are!'' They heard a familiar voice behind them and turned around, still holding hands, and saw James running to them. ''Mind if I borrow Sirius for a while, Moony?'' He asked and the taller boy let go of his friend's hand, nodding.

''Go ahead.'' Remus pushed him when he saw Sirius wasn't moving.

''I'll see you later!'' The grey eyed boy shouted as he walked away.

''Really? You were holding hands?'' James asked with his eyebrows raised once they were far enough.

''Our hands were cold!'' Sirius explained. ''We were just warming them up.''

''Yeah, maybe you should've put your other hand down his pants to keep it warm too.'' The boy teased.

''Wait, that's actually a good excuse.'' He said as they entered the halls.

''No, it's not.'' James rolled his eyes, walking past the other students that walked in every direction.

''Where are we going anyways?'' Sirius asked but his friend didn't answer, he just walked a few more meters until they were in front of a cupboard.

''Sorry, mate.'' James told him before opening the door and pushing him inside.

''James, what the hell!'' The boy screamed, the small space was dark and smelled of dust and dirt.

''Lumos!'' A female voice behind him said, and when Sirius turned around he saw Lily with a mischievous smile on her face, leaning on wall. ''Hello there.''


	4. Chapter Four

''Well, isn't this ironic?'' Sirius said before sighing and leaning on the wall behind him, deflating. He had already spent several minutes trying to open the door, but it was pointless.

''How?'' Lily asked.

''I'm literally trapped in a closet, after I came out of a symbolic one not too long ago.'' He laughed to himself and then crossed his arms over his chest. ''So what does James's future wife want?''

''What?''

''You know he makes us call you that when you're not around? Totally creepy, right?'' He continued. ''Also, he already knows how he wants to name all of your future children, he wants four.''

''What are you doing?'' The girl asked, irritated and desperately wanting for him to stop talking.

''Well, James obviously participated in whatever this is and judging by the look on your face earlier it's not gonna be good, so I'm trying to make it backfire for him by telling you about his creepy crush on you.'' He explained with a smile and Lily rolled her eyes.

''You're here because we need to talk.'' She said. ''About Remus and your sudden interest in him.'' That made the boy frown.

''Do you have a problem with it too?'' He tried to ask as politely as he could.

''Well, I barely know you! You can't blame me for being protective of my friend.''

''I guess not.'' Sirius admitted. ''Do you have an interrogatory carefully planned?''

''I did, but I'm not gonna use it, I just want you to talk about Remus.''

''What?'' The boy frowned.

''Just do it so we can get our of here.''

‘’I don’t know what to say, I’m not good with words.’’ He started, rubbing his neck. ’’Remus is the one who always knows what to say, he’s so bloody smart.’’ He smiled to himself ‘’We’ve been best friends for years, obviously I love him as a mate. But I guess now I kinda realized how different it is with him than with James or Peter. I mean we’re all pretty affectionate people but I just feel so great when he hugs me or when we cuddle, it just feels right.’’ He looked up and Lily’s expression had softened, so he went on. ‘’I didn’t think much about those things until now, but now I can’t stop thinking about it.’’ 

‘’Because you realized you’re into guys too?’’ The redheaded girl asked. 

‘’I guess so. Now I always feel this need to be closer to him and it’s driving me mad.’’ He paused. ‘’Look, I understand why you’d think this is bad idea. But I would never do anything to hurt him, I just want him to be happy and safe, and I’d do everything in my power to make sure he is. And I…’’ He paused, feeling very exposed. ‘’I’d be pretty damn happy if he’d let me be with him.’’

''Okay.’’ Lily said after a few moments. ‘’Well I don't know how I can help you, but I'll do my best because you seem sincere.'' She told him. ''I can't make any promises, you know how he started seeing people just now.'' The redhead wasn't going to reveal Remus was hopelessly in love with Sirius under any circumstance, that was a secret she kept for a long time, and she wasn't going to betray Remus's trust. 

''Thanks.'' He smiled at her. ''Now can we get out of here before moss starts growing all over us?'' The girl laughed and knocked on the door. Two times, a pause and then three times. They heard the unmistakable sound of a key going into a lock, and the door opened, James was smiling at them on the other side.

''You're both alive, wow.'' He said and laughed when Sirius got out, purposely bumping him with his shoulder when he walked past him. The three Gryffindors found a bench and sat together, Sirius was in the middle, between James's pathetic attempts of flirting and Lily's constant rejections and sighs.

''Your hair is so smooth.'' The girl said to the grey eyed boy as she took a strand of his hair between her fingers and started petting his hair. The boy nearly started purring.

''Don't do that, he'll fall asleep on you and start drooling.'' James warned her, annoyed because somehow in a matter of seconds his best mate managed to get farther with Lily than he could in six years. ''And of course his hair is smooth, he's obsessed with it.''

''Come here.'' She told Sirius, ignoring the other boy, and made him turn around so she was facing his back. Lily started to skillfully braid the boy's hair into a french braid. ''There.'' She said when she was done, moving away a little so she could see her work better. Then she took a small mirror out of her pocket and handed it to him. 

''I love it.'' He said, staring at his reflection. ''Thank you Lily Pad.'' The boy gave her a quick hug, making sure James was watching.

''Don't ever call me that again.'' The girl said sharply. ''I have to go now, I'll see you around.''

''Even when I'm openly chasing after my male best mate, I’m still better with girls than you.'' Sirius grinned

''Shut up.'' James said before walking away.

-

''I feel handsome.'' Sirius said smiling. His head was resting on Remus's belly, his body accommodated between the taller boy's legs. Remus was sitting against a tree, humming softly as he kept putting the flowers he could find around them between his friend's dark locks of perfectly braided hair.

''You know you are, Padfoot.'' The taller boy said, resting his head against the tree behind him and yawning. ''Lily should braid your hair everyday. Or, you know, you could learn to do it yourself.''

''Yeah, I should.'' The shorter boy smiled. For a whole week he had chased Lily down the halls, screaming 'Lily Pad, you have to do my hair!', every time he knew he would be alone with Remus, which was almost every day. The girl just sighed and braided his hair without saying a word, since Sirius had convinced her that while they had no plan yet, she could help by making his hair look nice for Remus. 

‘’When did you and Lily start to get along? When I asked her she was really vague about it.’’ 

‘’Oh I just asked her to help me with an essay and I guess she realized I’m not so bad.’’ He nervously made up an excuse on the spot, then quickly changed the subject. ''Next week's Halloween.''

''So?'' Remus asked, every year, all they did on Halloween was prank some poor first year students and then blame Peeves, the ghost. Nothing out of the ordinary, they did that every other week too. 

''There's the party the Prewett brothers always throw in their room after the feast.''

''Yeah, the one we don't ever get invited to.''

''But this year we are.'' Sirius raised his eyebrows, and before Remus could accuse him of something he spoke again. ''We didn't even have to blackmail them or anything! James shares a few classes with them now and I guess they got along because honestly, who wouldn’t like Prongs? Well, except for Evans.’’ The other boy laughed. ‘’And they invited us so we're going.'' He explained.

''We are?'' Remus asked raising an eyebrow.

''Yep, specially you, even if I have to drag you.''

''Okay.'' The taller boy said shrugging and then yawned again.

''Sleepy?'' The grey eyed boy asked, and the other boy nodded. Sirius began to sit up -a few flowers fell from his head, but he didn't care, he had enough- and moved until his back was pressed against the tree, then motioned Remus to rest his head on his lap. The taller boy just stared at him. ''You're always such a good human pillow for me, now it's my turn.'' He explained, and Remus blushed a little but let himself rest his head on his friend's lap, Sirius started playing with the boy's hair. As Remus's breathing began to slow down, Sirius moved his hand to his friend's face, caressing the boy's cheek and then gently touched Remus's lips with his long fingers.

Sirius only had one thought on his mind. He was so screwed.


	5. Chapter Five

''I'm glad you could make it.'' Fabian Prewett greeted the marauders at the doorway of his dormitory, letting them in with a smile.

''Yeah, thanks for having us.'' Peter said politely. The bedroom was full of Gryffindor students drinking or chatting between them quietly, and there was some faint music playing in the background. Fabian turned to join the others and left them standing there.

''I can't find Lily.'' James was standing on his tiptoes looking for her with his eyes across the room.

''I don't really know any of these people.'' Sirius commented looking across the room too. ''And I know quite a lot of people, I'm sure if I don't know them it's because I avoided them for some reason.''

''I do know him.'' Remus whispered pointing a blond student standing a few meters away from them with a nervous look on his face. ''I want to go.''

''Who is he?'' James asked frowning.

''He's the bloke I used to hang out with before, you know, you caught us and I pushed him off the bed.'' The green eyed boy explained.

''Just avoid him.'' Sirius told him with a straight face and a tensed jaw, and James looked amused.

''It’s just really awkward, we haven’t spoken since that happened. I want to go.'' He repeated

''Maybe Sirius could pretend to be your boyfriend to scare him off, it works for girls.'' Peter suggested.

''W-why him?'' Remus asked, trying to sound casual at the possibility that Peter figured out he had a stupid crush on his friend.

''Uhm, because James and I are straight and everyone would know we're faking it.'' The shorter boy shrugged.

''I think it's a good idea.'' James added, pushing his friend towards Sirius before he could say anything.

''I'm in, let's go be boyfriends.'' Sirius took Remus's arm and put it around his own waist before walking further into the room together. Trying to distract himself and not think of how the word sounded so good he didn't want it to be a lie.

''It's not like they act like a married couple already.'' Peter rolled his eyes and James chuckled.

* * *

''You won't regret coming, I promise.'' Sirius whispered into his best friend's ear as they were sitting against a wall, most of the students formed a circle in the middle of the bedroom and talked between them so nobody would be left out, the party was already dying down, but they didn't say anything, they didn't want to be a complete buzzkill like the few students that had already fallen asleep on the beds or the floor.

''What if I'm already regretting it?'' Remus asked him eyeing the blond from across the room, who was looking directly at him.

''C'mon, you like parties.'' The dark haired boy told him as he grabbed the glass of firewhiskey some bloke beside him handed him and silently thanked him with a nod and a smile.

''Yeah, when it's just us and people we know.'' Remus said before snatching the glass off of his friend's hand, almost spilling the beverage over them, and took a sip, enjoying the burning sensation in his throat for a few seconds before sipping again. The taller boy let his head fall on his friend's shoulder, pressing his forehead and nose against his neck, enjoying the smell of cologne and cigarettes and willing himself to relax.

* * *

''So then when Lily arrives you jump and scare her, so she'll fall into my arms as I comfort her!'' James told Peter, they were standing near the door as the taller boy insisted to stay there until Lily arrived so they could be the firsts to greet her.

''I was about to ask if you were drunk but then I realized I've been standing next to you since we arrived and so it's not possible.'' The shorter boy sighed. ''Besides why would she be scared of this handsome face?'' Peter pointed at his own face and James smacked his shoulder and laughed. ''Acept it, Evan's not coming. Now can we please join the others?''

''Okay, but only because I'm getting thirsty.'' James said while throwing an arm around his friend's shoulders.

* * *

''I love the way your hair looks like that.'' A skinny, brunet student told Sirius as he leaned closer to him. Remus squinted his eyes, his head was now in his friend's lap. Sirius smiled and tucked a strand of hair that managed to escape his messy french braid behind his ear, he just loved compliments about his hair.

''Thanks, I finally learned how to braid it myself.'' His smile got wider, he was so proud of himself and for a second Remus forgot he was annoyed because that smile made his chest feel warm, it always did.

''I do miss seeing your curls though.'' The brunet told him. Remus frowned. Didn't the bloke see that Sirius had his fake boyfriend’s head in his lap? How could someone be so rude?

The werewolf could've let it slide but that was not fun at all. The green eyed boy sat up and Sirius immediately looked at him with as if he was expecting him to do something. And he did. Remus quickly got closer to his friend and attached his mouth to the boy's jaw, pressing light kisses and only stopping to smile when he felt Sirius shiver.

''M-Moony.'' He was about to ask what was he doing but then he mentally slapped himself and shut his mouth because why would he question good things when they happened? And it was _so good_. Not only because the soft lips started leaving feather-like kisses up and down his neck. But because they were _Moony_ _'s_ lips. Moony was the only one that could make him grin like this. Sirius supressed a whine when after a slight scrape of teeth behind his ear, the lips disappeared, and when he opened his eyes, Remus was looking at him with a smug smile. ''What was that?''

''I couldn't let everyone think I'm such a lousy boyfriend that you have to flirt with other people, could I?'' Remus smiled and sat with his back against the wall next to his friend, taking a sip of his drink. Sirius did his best to slow down his breath, he felt dizzy.

On the other side of the room, a sleepy Peter was looking at them in disbelief and whispered to James.

‘’Do they actually, genuinely think that is normal best mates behaviour?’’ He asked, looking amused and the boy with glasses laughed next to him.

‘’I’m just as frustrated as you are.’’

* * *

''I'm bored.'' A tall student said followed by a sigh. Everyone in the room was either sleeping or looked like they were just a few seconds away from it.

''Muggle Halloween parties are definetly better.'' A girl said, rolling her eyes.

''What do muggles do on Halloween?'' Fabian asked, in a bad mood because his party didn't turn out like he had expected.

''They dress up in costumes and tell ghost stories.'' The girl answered.

''We _live_ among ghosts and they're not scary. Annoying yes, but not scary.'' James said, he was lying on his stomach on the floor next to a snoring Peter.

''They make me nervous, but they definitely don't scare me.'' Another boy said from the back of the room. ''What does scare me are fires, they can get so big! Can you imagine how it would feel like to _die burning_?''

''I'm scared of spiders.'' A blonde girl added.

''Muggle serial killers man, they don't even need a wand!''

''Why's no one talking about dragons?''

''Centaurs are pretty terrifying.''

''Werewolves.'' A brunette said, and Remus immediately tensed so Sirius squeezed his arm, before anyone could talk she continued. ''That's my biggest fear. They're monsters, they can't think when they're turned, so they could murder anyone in their way. I hope I never come across one.'' She finished with disgust all over her face.

''Dragons are way more scary.'' Someone argued, but all of the marauders stopped listening. Remus was just staring into space, trying hard to hide how anguished he was. James was looking from afar at his friends, cursing internally because he couldn't stand up to comfort his friend. Sirius didn't know what to do, so he just waited a few more minutes and grabbed his hand.

''C'mon Moony.'' The boys stood up, ''Let’s get another drink.'' He dragged him to table in the corner where the nearly empty bottles of alcohol were lying around. Sirius was pouring them another drink when he felt two warm hands slipping around his waist and then Remus was hugging from behind, pressed up against his back. The back haired boy nearly spilled the drink and tried his best to look unfazed, his heart was hammering in his chest and if he titled his head back slightly their faces would be way too close.

‘’Thank you’’ The taller boy murmured against his neck and Sirius shivered, closing his eyes softly for a few seconds.

‘’Hey’’ A voice behind them startled them and when they turned around they saw the blond bloke Remus had been avoiding all night. The taller boy smiled awkardly.

‘’Hi, how are you?’’ He greeted him.

‘’Can we talk for a minute?’’ He tilted his head pointing at an empty corner of the room to imply he wanted to talk alone.

‘’Uhm, sure.’’ He reluctantly pulled away from Sirius and the grey eyed boy just sighed and dragged his feet walking towards James and the other students.

Phelix Wheton was a fifth year Gryffindor that was in Remus’ Potions class. They started hanging out about a year ago and found they had a lot of things in common. When they found out they were both into blokes Remus saw it as the perfect opportunity to explore his sexuality and take his mind off his hopeless crush on his best friend. Besides he was very fit, shorter than Remus, with his soft lips and his amber eyes. They had exchanged letters over the summer and set a date to meet up once they returned to Hogwarts, which went awfully bad and ended with Phelix being pushed off the bed and running away.

‘’So…’’ Remus started ‘’I’m sorry about the other night.’’ Going straight to the point.

‘’I wanted to apologize too.’’ He said shyly and the taller boy looked surprised. ‘’I shouldn’t have ran off like that, I just panicked when your friends saw us because I’m not out yet and I got scared.’’

‘’It’s ok, and don’t worry, they wouldn’t tell anyone. Actually I’m pretty sure they don’t even know your name to begin with.’’

‘’Been keeping me a secret?’’ The blond feigned being offended, putting a hand over his chest dramatically.

‘’Shut up, we said it was just for fun.’’ Remus replied, getting slightly nervous at the thought that Phelix might actually want something serious with him.

‘’I’m just joking.’’ He laughed. ‘’So can we go back to being friends?’’

‘’Yeah, absolutely.’’ The taller boy smiled. ‘’I miss studying with you.’’

‘’So… you and Black?’’ He asked after a few seconds of silence, raising an eyebrow.

‘’Oh no, it’s not what it seems.’’ He felt embarrassed but decided to tell the truth anyways. ‘’He just pretended to be my boyfriend so you wouldn’t try to talk to me. I was truly mortified about what happened.’’

‘’Well it kinda worked, it was very convincing.’’ Phelix admitted. ‘’But I needed to talk to you, I felt awful too.’’

‘’Hey, it’s okay. We can just move past it, pretend it never happened.’’

‘’Great, so that’s settled. See you in Potions?’’ He asked with a smile. And Remus felt relieved that this conversation went so well and that he didn’t have to lose his friend over a bad date.

‘’Sure, see you around.’’ Remus gave him one last smile and then walked over to his friends, who were dragging a half asleep and very drunk Peter back to their room.

‘’What did he want?’’ Sirius asked.

‘’Oh we both just apologized about the other night. We’re cool now.’’ He brushed it off, and the grey eyed boy wanted to ask what ‘we’re cool’ meant. Were they dating? Were they friends? But he knew better than to push the werewolf to give him more information than the one he chose to share willingly.

‘’Sorry about that, by the way’’ James said, they hadn’t talked about the incident since it happened. ‘’We screwed up your chances of getting laid.’’

‘’I lied to you, you didn’t know.’’ Remus sighed, he already got over that part. ‘’He asked if Padfoot and I were together, apparently we did a good job pretending.’’

‘’Yeah, pretending.’’ James whispered quietly under his breath, nearly exploding for the effort it took him not to reveal both of his friends’s secrets to the other so they would stop being so frustrating and oblivious. ‘’C’mon we’re nearly there, I need to sleep.’’


	6. Chapter Six

‘’You know what? Screw it.’’ Was the first thing Sirius said when he woke up on a Thursday morning a few days later. Remus had woken up before sunrise to attend to some event in the library with Lily that James and him called ‘the nerd convention’ behind their backs.

‘’What the hell are you talking about?’’ Peter asked while rubbing his eyes.

‘’Shut the fuck up!’’ James yelled covering his face with a pillow.

‘’No, no, Jamie hear me out.’’ Sirius quickly jumped out of his bed and sat next to his angry friend. ‘’I’m gonna tell Moony that I like him, today’s the day.’’

‘’What? You can’t just _do_ that.’’ The boy jolted and sat up in his bed, a little more awake now and scrambling his bedside table in search of his glasses.

‘’But what am I really waiting for, Prongs?’’

‘’I don’t know, a plan, a special something’’ James shrugged.

‘’It’s been weeks and we even asked Lily Pad for help but no one came up with anything. Besides it’s all about Moony and me, if he doesn’t want me then a big gesture won’t change that.’’

‘’He has a point.’’ Peter commented. ‘’And once you tell him we can finally put an end to the weekly meetings where we just sit in a circle and come up with ways to help you seduce our other friend. It’s weird.’’

‘’Aw, I thought our meetings were great.’’ Sirius pouted. ‘’Not helpful, but fun.’’

‘’That’s because you love being the cented of attention.’’ The short blond boy rolled his eyes.

‘’So you’re actually goind to tell him? Today?’’ James asked, impressed at his friend for being so confident and forward.

‘’Yeah, why not? I’m in a good mood. I’ll do it today when I find the right moment.’’

‘’Okay, you’ll tell us how it goes, right?’’ Prongs asked, giving his friend an encouraging tap on his shoulder.

‘’Of course dear, I’ll give you a full report.’’ The grey eyed boy stood up and started to get dressed.

* * *

‘’Hey Sirius.’’ Lily greeted him outside of the great hall after breakfast.

‘’Hi Lily Pad.’’ The boy ruffled her hair gaining a glare from her. ‘’I’m going to tell him! Today.’’

‘’What?’’ The redhead almost screamed. ‘’As in, _tell him_ tell him?’’

‘’Yeah.’’ Sirius nodded excitedly.

‘’Why the rush? I thought we needed a plan or something.’’

‘’I thought about it and I’m just gonna keep it simple.’’

‘’So when are you going to do it?’’ She asked.

‘’Dunno, when the moment’s right. I see him all day.’’ Sirius answered. ‘’By the end of the day I’ll have successfully confessed my feelings for Mo-Moony, hi!’’ He squealed when he saw his friend walking towards them behind Lily’s back.

‘’Hey Pads.’’ Remus smiled at them. Lily was trying very hard no to explode with laughter.

‘’I gotta go.’’ The girl told them. ‘’Good luck.’’ She said mindlessly to Sirius and then froze. ‘’To both of you! In class, a-and in life.’’ She said awkardly before speeding through the hallway.

‘’That was strange.’’ Remus commented, looking at his friend.

‘’I don’t know what’s up with her.’’ Sirius said nervously, rubbing the back of his neck.

‘’I’ve got to go get my bag for class.’’ The taller boy announced and started walking away.

‘’Wait, Moony!’’ The grey eyed boy yelled with determination, but when his friend turned around and looked at him with those piercing green eyes he suddenly became frightened.

‘’What?’’ He asked.

‘’I’ll go with you.’’ Sirius simply said and rushed to his side to walk with him.

* * *

‘’So how’d it go?’’ James asked when he saw Sirius at lunchtime. They didn’t share their frist classes together so they hadn’t seen each other since breakfast. Peter was sitting next to them also looking expectant but not as invested as James. And Remus had decided to sit with Lily and her friends, far away enough that it’d be impossible to hear them.

‘’I haven’t told him yet.’’ Sirius groaned and let his head fall on the table dramatically.

‘’I knew you’d be a coward.’’ Peter commented, amused.

‘’I’m not a coward! I just- I got nervous.’’ He tried to explain. ‘’I gather courage to say it and then he looks at me my brain just stops working.’’ The black haired boy said frustrated, and James let out a laugh.

‘’C’mon, I know you can do it.’’ Prongs encouraged him. ‘’It’s just Moony, you’ve known him for years.’’

‘’But what if this changes things?’’ Sirius asked worried.

‘’It could change them for the better.’’ James smiled at him, the bloody optimist. ‘’And whatever happens, I know he won’t be mad or annoyed, he loves you.’’

‘’I hope so.’’ He sighed and then he saw Remus was getting up from his seat. ‘’I’ll walk him to class, bye!’’ He waved goodbye to his two friends as he started running towards him. ‘’Hey!’’ The grey eyed boy greeted Remus, a little out of breath from all the running.

‘’Hi, are you okay?’’ Moony asked, quirking an eyebrow.

‘’Yeah, I’ll walk you to class, c’mon.’’ He grabbed his arm and started walking out of the hall ignoring the confused look his friend was giving him.

‘’Have you gotten in any trouble?’’ Remus asked out of nowhere. ‘’Have you gotten _me_ in trouble?’’

‘’What? Why do you ask?’’ Sirius frowned.

‘’You've been weird all day, just- you always get extremely nice when you have to tell me bad news. So what happened?’’ He went straight to the point and the shorter boy laughed nervously.

‘’Well I do have something to tell you. Though I hope it won’t be bad news to you.’’ He looked up at his friend’s eyes and he had a puzzled expression on his face so he went on. ‘’We’re really close, right?’’

‘’What are you-?’’ He started to ask but he was cut off by a voice behind them.

‘’Hey Remus.’’ Phelix stood beside them with a cheery smile. ‘’Black.’’

‘’Hey Phelix.’’ Remus smiled back politely, and Sirius just froze.

‘’Are you heading to Potions?’’

‘’Yeah, I was, Phe, can you just- can you give us a minute?’’ He gestured to Sirius and the blond felt embarrased for interrupting when he read the room.

‘’Yes sure, I’ll just get going. Are we still on for today after dinner?’’ He asked already backing away.

‘’Sure, I’ll see you in a moment.’’ He waved at him and returned his attention to Sirius. ‘’So what did you-?’’ Remus started asking at the same time his friend also spoke up.

‘’What was that about?’’ He gestured the direction that Phelix had walked away in.

‘’We’re just meeting up to study in his dorm.’’

‘’Right.’’ Sirius clenched his jaw. He wasn’t stupid, why would they study after dark in the guy’s dorm? He felt his heart sink and thought maybe this was his friend’s way of telling him he was dating without actually saying it, he was a private person after all. Sometimes he needed to read between the lines to get the full message. He realized he was staring and had been quiet for too long only when Remus spoke again.

‘’What did you want to tell me?’’

‘’Oh it’s nothing, it can wait.’’ Sirius shrugged, trying hard to look unfazed. ‘’You don’t wanna be late for class.’’ The shorter boy said and just looked at the ground. Remus looked puzzled because it was really getting late, but his friend was acting really weird.

‘’Okay, talk to you later.’’ He squeezed his shoulder before walking away in a hurry.

* * *

‘’How did it go? Where were you all day?’’ James practically jumped on top of his friend as soon as he saw him lying on his bed when he walked into their room after dinner. ‘’Why didn’t you go down for dinner?’’

‘’Wasn’t hungry.’’ He sighed, and looked at his friend with a sad expression on his face.

‘’I’m guessing it didn’t go well.’’ The taller boy cursed under his breath and lightly patted his friend’s head.

‘’I didn’t tell him.’’ Sirius told him.

‘’What? Then why are you here moping by yourself, you idiot?’’ He smacked his friend with the nearest pillow he could find.

‘’Moony’s currently in some git’s room probably shoving his tounge down his throat at this very moment. There was no point in telling him.’’ His lips disappeared into a thin line and he closed his eyes for a second, not wanting to get too emotional.

‘’What are you talking about?’’

‘’He told me he went to study to that blond’s room, Jamie!’’ Sirius said exhasperated.

‘’And did he tell you was hooking up with him?’’ Prongs asked, really confused and trying to make sense of the situation.

‘’Not in so many words, but that’s probably what he meant.’’ The black haired boy groaned and let himself fall hard into the bed. ‘’I mean c’mon, why would they study at night?’’

‘’Let’s put it into perspective: why _wouldn’t_ they shag in the daylight? I mean, maybe they are just studying, the fact that it’s nightime doesn’t mean anything.’’ James tried to reason with his friend. But was also getting nervous remembering the last time Remus had sketchy plans at night and feared that his drama queen of a best friend might actually be right.

‘’Well it’s extremely suspicious, don’t you think?’’

‘’You could just ask him, out of all of us you’re the one he’s most likely to tell.’’

‘’Don’t really want to hear him comfirming it.’’ Sirius stared sadly at the ceiling. ‘’He also told me I was being weird, he must’ve figured it out.’’ He said dreadfully. ‘’I was just being nice, and he thought it was weird.’’

‘’He probably didn’t mean it that way.’’ The taller boy reassured him. Surely after being in love with him for so many years, even if he didn’t feel the same anymore, Remus wouldn’t be so harsh as to tell Sirius he was weird for reciprocating the feeling too late.

A few hours later, after tossing and turning in his bed and not being able to sleep, Sirius heard the door of the room opening and some rumbling, like someone was sitting up on their bed.

‘’Moony.’’ James’ voice said. ‘’You’re back.’’

‘’Yeah, I was just studying.’’ He replied and walked further into the room. Sirius did his best to pretend to be asleep, holding his breath. ‘’Hey, is Padfoot okay? He was acting a little strange today.’’

‘’Uhm, he’s got a lot in his mind.’’ James struggled to find the right words. ‘’You should talk to him.’’

‘’Okay, I will.’’ The other boy replied and went to sit on his own bed. Sirius shut his eyes tightly, worried about how that conversation would go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the miscommunication begins. Hope it's going well! Comments are always appreciated  
> Also feel free to point out any grammar mistakes!


	7. Chapter Seven

The following day, Sirius woke up really early, which was strange for him. He was nowhere to be found when Remus woke up to get down for breakfast.

‘’There you are.’’ The werewolf told his friend when he finally found him at a different table than the one they usually sat at. ‘’Where were you?’’

‘’Let’s give them some space.’’ They heard James muttering to Peter as they walked past them and sat a few feet away.

‘’Couldn’t sleep.’’ Sirius replied, sure that the bags under his eyes gave it away. He smiled nervously.

‘’You okay?’’ Remus asked.

‘’Yeah, don’t worry about me.’’

‘’You wanna talk about it?’’

‘’There’s not much to talk about.’’

‘’Don’t be like that, Sirius. I know you.’’ Remus pressed, forcing his friend to look him in the eyes. ‘’I’m worried about you. Is it your family?’’

‘’No, nothing like that. I’m just being silly.’’ He tried to sound sure, he hated that he was making his friend worry, he had enough to worry about on his own.

‘’Wanna skip class and talk?’’ Remus suggested and Sirius gasped.

‘’Is Remus Moony Lupin really suggesting to skip class? I’m utterly shocked, who even are you?’’

‘’I mean it, I just wanna make sure you’re okay.’’ He placed a hand on his shoulder and Sirius just looked at him for a few seconds and sighed. He was worrying him because of his stupid feelings.

‘’Can we go up to our room?’’

‘’Sure, whatever you want.’’ Remus took him by the arm and started walking him towards it. Sirius has really nervous, his palms sweaty and his heart hammering in his chest. He had to do this, he had to come clean so they could move on.

When they arrived, Sirius kicked off his own shoes and sat on Remus’ bed with his legs crossed, staring at his lap while looking for the right words. Then he felt the bed dip next to him when Remus sat and looked at him, he waited patienly until the black haired boy decided to speak.

‘’So…’’ He started, not looking at his friend’s eyes. ‘’I like someone, really like them.’’

‘’Shouldn’t that be a good thing?’’

‘’Maybe.’’ Sirius paused. ‘’If it weren’t for the fact that they don’t like me, and also I think they’re dating someone else.’’

‘’That sucks.’’ Remus mused. ‘’I get it, it’s awful, feeling like that.’’ _Believe me, I know_. He wanted to say, but choked down the words. This was about hs friend. His friend that he was in love with. That was confessing to have a feelings for someone who wasn’t him, that stung and made his chest hurt. He figured it would happen some day, it was easier when all Sirius seemed to be intrested in were hookups, he was just having fun then. And Remus found it midly comforting that at least it wasn’t that Sirius didn’t want to date _him_ , he just didn’t want to date anybody. But this-. He pushed away his thoughts and got out of his own head when his friend talked again.

‘’It hurts.’’ He continued. ‘’I really thought I had a chance. And I have to see them every day.’’ He commented. _Who is it?_ Remus wanted to ask, but didn’t. Who’s stupid or blind enough to pass up the oportunity to have Sirius’s undivided attention?

‘’I know it hurts. And it’ll proably hurt for a while. But you’ll move on, eventually.’’ He tried to sound sure of himself. He had no idea how people actually moved on from being in love with someone, he sure as hell hadn’t.

‘’I just like him so much. I never felt like that with anyone.’’ He smiled sadly and Remus’ eyes widened at the mention of a pronoun. ‘’That’s why I’ve been a little mopey lately. But I’ll survive, I guess.’’

‘’You’re Sirius fucking Black, of course you will.’’ Remus looked at him fondly. ‘’He’s an idiot if he doesn’t see how great you are.’’ He was about to bite his tongue but didin’t, he couldn’t stop himself. ‘’You’re hansome, and so funny, and brave. Anyone would be lucky to have you, I mean it.’’ He finished looking into his friend’s eyes, feeling awfully exposed but glad if those words could make him feel a little better, but when he looked up, he saw Sirius wasn’t smiling, he looked sad. ‘’Are you o-?’’

‘’Moony.’’ He said at the same time. And in a matter of seconds he had lunged himself forward to press his lips against Remus’.

Remus exhaled a breath that he didn’t even know he’d been holding. Any thought that suggested this was wrong quickly vanished from his head and it just took him a few seconds to kiss back, gasping into the kiss. Sirius took the oportunity to deepen it, slipping his toungue inside his friend’s mouth and giving it his all. Trying to silently and wordlessly to convince him –beg him- to continue. One of his hands flew to the werewolf’s neck and stroked it softly. He struggled to breath through the kiss but didn’t want to stop, didn’t want the moment to end and face the consequences of what he’d done.

Eventually is body forced him to break the kiss to take a few breaths. He just backed away the bare minimum, their noses touching. Remus’ hand was now holding Sirius’s forearm, the one that was still on his own jaw and his eyes were closed. When they opened, after breathing heavily for a few seconds, to Sirius’ surprise, he didn’t see rejection. His pupils were dark and he just stared at him. Sirius kissed him again. He just wanted to feel this while it lasted, it might be his only chance. He felt heat in his whole body, it felt right. The black haired boy moved to straddle Remus’s lap, one leg on each side of his waist, and the taller boy moaned into the kiss, his hands quickly moved to his waist and bit his lower lip forcefully. Sirius smiled against his mouth and started kissing his neck. Letting his mouth explore the pale, soft skin and moving up to his ear to nibble it. Sirius rocked his hips forward and Remus gasped at the friction.

‘’What are we-?’’ Remus started asking when he had a brief moment of conscience but was shut up by another kiss. His heart was hammering in his chest. This was everything he’d wanted for years and more. Sirius kissed him with desperation, like he needed him. And that thought is what finally made him snap back to reality. Sirius didn’t need _him_ , not specifically. Sirius liked someone else, someone he couldn’t have, and was sad because of that. This was just a rebound, something to take his mind off of the person he actually wanted. And Remus couldn’t bear it, he loved him. This wasn’t a one off for him, it could never be. ‘’Stop.’’ He managed to say when the shorter boy broke the kiss. ‘’Sirius stand up.’’ Sirius just froze and did as he was told, quickly getting up from his friend’s lap with his eyes stuck on the floor.

‘’I’m sorry.’’ Sirius said, he sounded like he was about to cry.

‘’I just- I can’t do this.’’ Remus sighed. Seeing his friend look so sad made him want to take it back, to just grab him and snog him silly, give him whatever he wanted. He’d give him his heart on a plate gladly. But his self-preservation kicked in, he knew he wouldn’t bear for this to happen and then continue being friends like it was nothing. That would destroy him. ‘’I’m gonna go.’’ He jolted out of the room closing the door behind him, stopping a few minutes to lean againt it on the other side and willing his heavy breathing to slow down.

* * *

‘’I’m kind of having a crisis.’’ Was the first thing Remus said when Phelix opened the door of his room after he knocked frantically for two minutes straight.

‘’And… you came to me and not Black or Potter?’’ The blond asked, letting him in, it might have sounded a little harsh but it was true. Remus would certainly thought it’d be a little odd for Phelix to come to him when he had a problem and not to his closest friends.

‘’That’s what I’m h-having a crisis a-about.’’ He said catching up his breath.

‘’Did you run here?’’

‘’Yep.’’ He replied, his lips formed a thin line.

‘’So what happened?’’ Phelix asked, getting a little worried.

‘’Sirius kissed me.’’ He blurted out.

‘’I knew he liked you.’’ The shorter boy said inmediately. ‘’So? Why are you having a crisis over it?’’

‘’What? He doesn’t like me.’’ Remus looked at him as if he was crazy. ‘’That’s the problem right there. I would’ve been thrilled to be kissed by him if it wasn’t for the fact that he had just told me he liked someone who didn’t like him back.’’ He sighed, he thought about the fact that this was the first time he willingly admitted he liked Sirius without anyone asking him directly first. His chest strangely felt a little more at ease.

‘’So why did he kiss you then?’’ The blond was very confused and decided he wanted to understand the situation first before confronting his friend about his feelings.

‘’Beats me!’’ He almost yelled. ‘’I mean, he was upset. He probably wanted to take his mind off it and I- I was just there.’’ It hurt to say it out loud.

‘’And why are you freaking out so much?’’ Phelix asked, raising an eyebrow. ‘’A little snog between friends won’t ruin your friendship. I mean look at you and me, we moved on.’’ He gestured between them. ‘’And you did push me off a bed, I even got over that.’’ Phelix teased him and Remus let out the tiniest laugh.

‘’Because I love him.’’ Remus admitted after a few minutes. ‘’I’ve loved him for years. And I knew nothing was going to happen, I thought he was straight and I didn’t want to ruin anything with my stupid feelings.’’ He continued. ‘’So I’m freaking out because I wanted him to kiss me so bad, but not like this. I can’t just be his rebound, I care too much.’’ He was breathing hard again, but felt relieved to say so bluntly the words he’d been keeping to himself for the first time. Sure he had talked about it with James and Lily, but it was always in short conversations where they told him to stop pining and he dismissed his own feelings by assuring them it wasn’t so bad.

‘’Shit, Lupin.’’ Was all Phelix said for a few moments. ‘’That’s intense.’’

‘’And I’m really damn frustrated too!’’ He raised his voice suddenly. Now he just couldn’t stop blurting out his feelings, it was like a switch had flipped inside of him and needed to get it all out. ‘’Because for years I hoped for the possibility that he’d be into blokes, and also that he’d be interested in dating!’’ He paused. ‘’And now the fucking stars aligned and he actually wants to date a bloke, just not me.’’ He paused, letting himself fall backwards on a bed.

‘’Okay.’’ The blond sat next to him a put a hand on his shoulder. ‘’That sounds like a lot.’’ He started and was about to say another sentence but was cut off.

‘’And why would he want me? I mean he’s Sirius Black and I’m-‘’

‘’You’re what?’’ Phelix interrumpted him now. ‘’Smart, fucking fit and funny? Don’t sell yourself short. I’ll have you know I don’t just go around snogging mediocre blokes.’’ Remus laughed.

‘’And now I have to live with the knowledge of what it feels like to kiss him, which is bloody amazing, and continue being friends as if nothing happened. And be supportive when he eventually starts dating this dude, because let’s be honest, he will win him over eventually, whoever it is.’’ He said and looked at Phelix. ‘’Okay I’m done.’’

‘’It’s good to let it all out.’’

‘’Yeah, I don’t do much of that.’’

‘’Okay, what he did wasn’t right, pretty weird thing to do in fact, snogging your mate because you’re upset.’’ He mused. ‘’And I get all of the reasons why you’re sad and angry, you have every right to feel things, you know?’’ Remus looked at him with wide eyes, like the thought was a crazy thing. ‘’Obviously it’s not his fault that you like him and been pining for him for Merlin know how long. But it’s not yours either, it’s not wrong to feel things. And it can be frustrating but it’s just… life, you know? You can’t exactly choose what you feel, just what you do about it.’’

‘’I don’t know what to do.’’ Remus sighed, for what it seemed like the millionth time that day.

‘’I guess you should talk to him.’’ Phelix suggested. ‘’It’s up to you if you want tell him the whole truth. But just, have an honest chat, and if you need some time away from him to sort out your feelings you’re allowed to have it, might be healthy.’’ The taller boy didn’t like the sound of that, being away from Sirius, that’s exactly why he’d been hiding his feelings in the first place.

‘’I guess. I need a little time to think before I can face him though.’’

‘’That’s alright.’’ Phelix smiled at him. ‘’It’s okay to feel things. Remember that.’’

Remus just looked at him and nodded softly, maybe he had a point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I warned in the tags that the bad communication skills were frustrating  
> I had this already written so I thought I might as well post it now, I'm gonna need some time for the next chapter though  
> Comments are always appreciated!


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